Day 1 - blaming others for my limitations part 2

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when writting these points out, when writting out blogs, that I cannot do and continue these blogs within accepting and allowing my mind to dictate any quality of the material.

Within this, I commit myself to re write my blogs from going into investigating every reaction that I have when writting a blog, and to write within being here, and being here, meaning not a single thought existing within myself when writting.

I see and realize that the point of wanting to gain fame, is a way of not fully expressing integrity within that relationship, such as the relationship of music. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have not fully shown integrity within playing music, as a point of having accepted and allowed myself to use the reference of a constructed relationship from the mind.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see or realize, that gaining fame, or wanting to look good or feel good within blogging these points, or within whatever the relationship is, is only a way of not fully allowing myself to be functional within these relationships, in to where those relationships are most effective.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus accepted and allowed myself to use the girl figure/mother figure, as a void from actually learning how to fully function within the relationship, within the true self expression within the relationship. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus blamed my father/ the male, for not being capable of expressing myself fully within relationships.

I commit myself to fully seeing the relationship within these points, such as where I have built a construct of music within relationship to females, and using the male figure as to abuse him.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used R. As the mother figure within when I would experience myself around my mother, within this relationship of music, to where I had accepted and allowed myself to use my mother as a void from fully functioning, from fully expressing myself within and as music.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my my mother as the source of not fully being functional, within expressing myself within music, as depending on her to show me how to express myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only want to recieve this approval from my mother when expressing myself within music.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus created the relationship to females, where I verify this relationship with my mother, through abusing females by only getting in relationships with them, in order to protect my relationship I've constructed with my mother.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have based my relationship with expressing myself within music within the relationship with my mother, to where I had then constructed my further relationships with other females, by mimicking pictures of people kissing, to where I had added this into my relationship with wanting to use music to get the girls, to build a family off of my own inadequacy to not be able to fully function within my own expression within music.

Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor use girls and intend on having children to where I would abuse the child to placing this form of inadequacy towards the child, within what I had accepted and allowed myself to not take care of when I had bought the idea that I needed my mother figure in order to express myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use music, and the inadequacy within that relationship, to blame others and try to bring others down to my own accepted and allowed point of inadequacy within having accepted and allowed myself to use this relationship with beating the male, with trying to defeat the male and be better than him, and not actually intend on on supporting him to be at his full potential.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus have accepted and allowed this construct, and have made the excuse to exist within and as this construct with females and males, not consider g how this effects others I go in contact with who play music.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have considered the real relationship that exists within music, within what I've accepted and allowed to exist within relationship to music, and how physically abusive it is towards other beings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus abused myself, and to have used addictions to feed this relationship with music, to where I had prepared myself to abuse myself and abuse others to suppress my own accepted and allowed inadequacy within the relationship with music.

Self commitments in last part.

Day 1 - blaming others for my limitations part 1

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into blaming others within my mind, for my limited self expression within playing music. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into backchat of "they are going to judge me, I can't play because they are going to judge me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually consider where I have judged others, where I have created patterns of where I envy other musicians, of where I have abused others in order to want to gain fame. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to only play music within the starting point of wanting to gain fame, of wanting to feed the points of abusing others to where I create the feeling good point when playing music.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor get rushes of waves of energy within my body when listening to music, when playing music, not seeing and realizing, that these energy rushes are the experiences in which I have preprogrammed myself to stand on a stage, and play guitar and have the girls kiss me and gain power. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used and abused girls/females, within relating guitar to playing for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used this relationship with guitar, towards girlfriends in the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the personalities I would use against them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created the initial relationship with music and girls, to when I was younger, and would pretend that I was singing to girls and making out with them and grabbing all of this attention from the girls. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have defined my relationship with music a big part in this situation in my room.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created the relationship to playing guitar for R. To where I would try to grab a reaction from her every time I would play, in order to feel better than her, or to feel powerful and bigger than the other males.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created this relationship from the competition point of winning the girl over/R. To where I would want to beat L./ the male. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have done this from the memories of when me and L would sing, to where I had wanted to beat L. In singing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that I had created this situation of singing for girls, to where I had related singing to getting girls, and then within male vs male, wanted to beat L. Out of surviving within that point of "getting the girl/girls"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have related multiple aspects of when I'm playing guitar, such as the notes, other musicians, what I create/created, other music I pick up, etc, to which all of this has related a great deal to this form of competition to "getting the girl/making money/beating the male".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus ''play' music and 'enjoy' music within the starting point that it "makes me feel good" and that "it will get me all of this money", within this, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact using this as an excuse to abuse this relationship to "getting the girl/beating the male" within relationship to the past experiences with R. And L.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used and abused R. And L. Within only wanting to attain my own pretty self image, my own "feel good experience", within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have owned up to relationships in which I've abused, deceived, fucked with R. And L., to where I used this pretty picture as an excuse to have created this separated and limited relationship within music to make the money, to get the girls, to gain the fame and glory/beat L., get R., and make money with her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame these past relationship/the people I've created as characters to feed this relationship in my mind, to where I abuse them - R. And L., and then within playing music, using it as a scapegoat to what I've accepted and allowed as abuse towards them. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used music as this point of "getting away with" abuse, "getting away with" ego and the fact that I was the one who created the initial starting point relationship with surviving within my own abusive points, and thus within that having formed the relationship with music as a way to justify the abuse.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used music in my head/thinking of music, as a way to entertain and feed the pattern of - getting the girl, beating the male. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately created this relationship, to literally intend on seeing L. Suffer, thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have wanted L. To be more inadequate than me at singing, to where I would go to the extent of judging him for singing, or bash him for expressing himself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus wanted to go as far as pushing him/fighting him to want to look/feel better than him. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use L. As the source of competing with in order to get the girls. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse "I didn't realize what I was doing" as an excuse to not fully just take self responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within this relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used L. As a puppet for my own accepted and allowed point of releasing my own accepted and allowed inadequacy towards him. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have placed him in a position of being hurt for his expression, to thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have abused Luke through calling him names, through backchat "he's a fucking asshole, he's mean, I need to beat him and be better than him" and then having used him as a relationship to wanting to hurt him emotionally/physically, wanting to have placed him in a point of not being able to survive in this world through trying to convince him that he's not good enough or that he is a show off, simply out of reflecting my actual intent within my participation within music, within art - get the girls, beat the male.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have reflected is past relationship towards R..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used this point of "getting the girl" towards R. To where I had accepted and allowed myself to want to get the sensation of feeling powerful and more adequate, to where I would deliberately deceive R. Into different personalities, into playing the guitar as a way to feed the source of wanting to grab her attention to be able to manipulate, deceive, and cause physical abuse within my built relationship with R.

Commitments will follow in part 2