I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into blaming others within my mind, for my limited self expression within playing music. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into backchat of "they are going to judge me, I can't play because they are going to judge me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually consider where I have judged others, where I have created patterns of where I envy other musicians, of where I have abused others in order to want to gain fame. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to only play music within the starting point of wanting to gain fame, of wanting to feed the points of abusing others to where I create the feeling good point when playing music.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor get rushes of waves of energy within my body when listening to music, when playing music, not seeing and realizing, that these energy rushes are the experiences in which I have preprogrammed myself to stand on a stage, and play guitar and have the girls kiss me and gain power. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used and abused girls/females, within relating guitar to playing for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used this relationship with guitar, towards girlfriends in the past where I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the personalities I would use against them.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created the initial relationship with music and girls, to when I was younger, and would pretend that I was singing to girls and making out with them and grabbing all of this attention from the girls. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have defined my relationship with music a big part in this situation in my room.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created the relationship to playing guitar for R. To where I would try to grab a reaction from her every time I would play, in order to feel better than her, or to feel powerful and bigger than the other males.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created this relationship from the competition point of winning the girl over/R. To where I would want to beat L./ the male. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have done this from the memories of when me and L would sing, to where I had wanted to beat L. In singing. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that I had created this situation of singing for girls, to where I had related singing to getting girls, and then within male vs male, wanted to beat L. Out of surviving within that point of "getting the girl/girls"
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have related multiple aspects of when I'm playing guitar, such as the notes, other musicians, what I create/created, other music I pick up, etc, to which all of this has related a great deal to this form of competition to "getting the girl/making money/beating the male".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus ''play' music and 'enjoy' music within the starting point that it "makes me feel good" and that "it will get me all of this money", within this, not seeing and realizing that I am in fact using this as an excuse to abuse this relationship to "getting the girl/beating the male" within relationship to the past experiences with R. And L.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used and abused R. And L. Within only wanting to attain my own pretty self image, my own "feel good experience", within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have owned up to relationships in which I've abused, deceived, fucked with R. And L., to where I used this pretty picture as an excuse to have created this separated and limited relationship within music to make the money, to get the girls, to gain the fame and glory/beat L., get R., and make money with her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame these past relationship/the people I've created as characters to feed this relationship in my mind, to where I abuse them - R. And L., and then within playing music, using it as a scapegoat to what I've accepted and allowed as abuse towards them. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used music as this point of "getting away with" abuse, "getting away with" ego and the fact that I was the one who created the initial starting point relationship with surviving within my own abusive points, and thus within that having formed the relationship with music as a way to justify the abuse.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used music in my head/thinking of music, as a way to entertain and feed the pattern of - getting the girl, beating the male. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately created this relationship, to literally intend on seeing L. Suffer, thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have wanted L. To be more inadequate than me at singing, to where I would go to the extent of judging him for singing, or bash him for expressing himself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thus wanted to go as far as pushing him/fighting him to want to look/feel better than him. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use L. As the source of competing with in order to get the girls. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse "I didn't realize what I was doing" as an excuse to not fully just take self responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within this relationship.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used L. As a puppet for my own accepted and allowed point of releasing my own accepted and allowed inadequacy towards him. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have placed him in a position of being hurt for his expression, to thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have abused Luke through calling him names, through backchat "he's a fucking asshole, he's mean, I need to beat him and be better than him" and then having used him as a relationship to wanting to hurt him emotionally/physically, wanting to have placed him in a point of not being able to survive in this world through trying to convince him that he's not good enough or that he is a show off, simply out of reflecting my actual intent within my participation within music, within art - get the girls, beat the male.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have reflected is past relationship towards R..
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have used this point of "getting the girl" towards R. To where I had accepted and allowed myself to want to get the sensation of feeling powerful and more adequate, to where I would deliberately deceive R. Into different personalities, into playing the guitar as a way to feed the source of wanting to grab her attention to be able to manipulate, deceive, and cause physical abuse within my built relationship with R.
Commitments will follow in part 2
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